The part that hurts the most - I think- is knowing that you’ve become their past. You are the person who will come up in random conversations, probably the heart to heart ones while drinking beers with close friends. Maybe they’ll mention you when their mom asks about you, maybe when for some out the universe reason your name comes up and they sit there thinking, “I haven’t heard that name in a long while.” And, they are really tempted to text and say, hey - but they don’t have enough strength to press send. Maybe when they are entering a new relationship and all walls need to come down and they have to say your name out loud. They need to mention your name and promise that it won’t be a threat.
The part that infuriates you, is having to act like you don’t care. Because, see, caring jeopardizes everything. Caring, can be translated as something else and confused as something that is no longer there.
The part that saddens me is watching him grow up in photographs.
The part that sucks is knowing that we’ll become birthday friends. We will post on each other’s walls and maybe send a funny pic from 9gag, every now and then. Maybe we’ll bump into each other at some event, maybe we’ll say hi. I am guessing we will hug awkwardly.
The part that stings is wanting to be the person they are standing next to, wanting to be the person they call at night, wishing to be the person who sees all of their accomplishments. The good, the bad and the ugly.
The part that butchers your insides is knowing everything about them. Knowing that at some point, you were close. And, you’ve become 2 strangers who know absolutely everything about one another.
The part that really upsets you is knowing that no matter how hard you tried, its one of those things that just didn’t/ couldn’t work out. You can’t be angry at anyone, except time.
The part that you absolutely despise, is knowing you’ll be forgotten. You will become a distant memory and they’ll think of you on your birthday and if you are lucky, Christmas.
The part that breaks your heart is knowing that you shared a life together but you’ve become the past and that’s where you belong. You’ll be archived next to childhood memories and Toy Story.
The part that makes me smile is knowing that he’ll be ok. Knowing that there is a whole life ahead of him, filled with blessings and lots of love. Knowing that he’ll grow up and become the person he envisions in his head. Knowing that he’ll be happy and unstressed, and, he’ll be holding someone else’s hand.
The part that scares me is time. Are we really 23 years old? Is life really happening this fast?
But the part that makes me happy is knowing that one day, when I re- read this, I will smile to myself.